Letters From The Heart
by HughSoSexy
Summary: Letters Cal & Gillian write to one another. This will be an ongoing thing that I'll add to as ideas strike me, with no end in sight for as long as there's interest.
1. Chapter 1

_Cal,_

_If I had the courage to tell you, I would. If I knew it wouldn't ruin everything, I would. If I just had some assurance...some way to know that you wouldn't say no._

_Such a small confession can change so many things in such a big way. But it could be beautiful, you and me. What we could have, it could be life-altering in the best way possible. It would stretch to every corner of our lives, lighting dark rooms that have remained veiled in darkness for too long, just because we're afraid. Yes, it would be beautiful._

_If only I had the courage. If only I had the assurance._

_You always feel the need to protect me, but what you don't know is that in protecting me, you are keeping me from something I want desperately, something I need. You are depriving me of the oxygen that my body requires, that my blood needs to sustain me._

_I feel like I'm starving, and everyone else around me is a mirage. You are the only real thing._

_Maybe one day I'll find the courage, before I'm too weak._

_~Gillian_

###############

Folding the paper, she put it in an envelope. On it, she wrote one word: _Cal_.

No stamp. No return address.

She walked out the front door and dropped it in the nearest mailbox, hesitating for only a moment before letting go.


	2. Chapter 2

_My Dearest Gillian,_

_Today you smiled at me so sweetly it almost caused my heart to break. So sweetly that I almost uttered those words that have been dancing at the end of my tongue and the edges of my mind for years. It was so sweet, in fact, that I could taste it._

_Somehow, you always remain just out of reach. Just past an arm's-length away. Even on those days when there is something so encouraging in your eyes. Those days always seem to fall in step with the days I'm not willing to take the risk._

_One day. I promise you that – one day._

_Cal_

###############

Looking the paper over one last time, he reached for the ceramic dish and lighter he kept on the table in the corner. Flicking the lighter, he watched the flame, allowing it to dance before burning his feelings.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Burnin' the evidence, love."

"The evidence to what?"

"Like I tell you every time, Em. If I told you, I'd have to kill you," he replied with a smirk.

Rolling her eyes at him, she walked away, only briefly glancing over her shoulder to see the pain register across his face as the flame finally licked the paper.

He had this ritual. She never knew what was on the paper, but she had a guess.


	3. Chapter 3

_Cal,_

_Today is your birthday. Emily explained to me why you've been acting stranger than usual around this time of year. It makes sense, and I understand; as much as one can being an outsider looking in._

_I wish I wasn't such an outsider in your life. I so often feel like a player sitting on the bench, waiting for you to tell me that you need me. I go in, help where necessary, and then you sit me out again, always keeping me just far enough away that I can't fully understand. I want to understand. Do you know that?_

_I want to be able to tell you, "Happy Birthday!" because as much as birthdays are something to worry about for you, your birthday is special to me. Maybe now that you've reached 47, it won't be something to be afraid of anymore. And then maybe I'll be able to tell you why your birthday is so special._

_But if not, I'll silently celebrate like I do every year._

_Happy Birthday, Cal._

_~Gillian_

###############

Peaking his head in her office door, he watched as she folded up a piece of paper and placed it in the bottom drawer of her desk, all the way in the back behind her files.

"You ready?" he asked, letting her know he was there.

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "Just finished up."

As she gathered her things, she made a mental note to herself to move that letter in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

_Gill,_

_It's my birthday. I made it to 47, something my mum couldn't do. I feel like maybe I can move on now that I've gotten past that magical age. Maybe it's my age, or maybe it's that I dreamt up my mum in that psych ward while I was floating like a bird on those muffins, plastered out of my brains I was._

_Em made me a cake, and for the first time in thirty years I'm not celebrating with a bottle of whiskey. Well, not a whole bottle anyway. That's some kind of a start, right?_

_Cal_

###############

Taking the final drink of his whiskey, he crumpled up the paper and tossed it across the room, watching it dance around the edge of the trashcan before it finally fell in. Throwing his arms out wide in victory, he muttered to himself, "Happy Birthday, Cal."


	5. Chapter 5

_Cal,_

_Today you reminded me why we have our line in place. It's because you don't know when to stop. You put your blinders on and you push, and push, and push until the person you're pushing can't take it any more and falls apart._

_It doesn't really matter to you who that person is either. You've done it to me, you've done it to strangers, you've done it to nearly everyone on our staff. I think the only person you haven't done it to is Emily. You could never hurt her like that._

_But you can hurt me like that, as evident by the scars my heart bears. I keep them hidden, of course. I'd never let you see what you really do to me. Sure, you know when you've hurt me; but you'll never to know what extent. I won't give you the satisfaction of knowing._

_Or maybe it's because I choose to protect you. It's a self-destructive thing I do, constantly defending you to people. But that's beside the point._

_Maybe I don't let you see what you really do to me because it's not something you want to do. I refuse to believe that you want to hurt me like that. Maybe you do, and maybe I'm naïve; but I don't think I am. I worry that you would go into the worst tail-spin I've ever seen if you knew how deep you really cut me._

_You act strong, Cal. But I know better. I've seen it._

_I worry about you; and because of that, I will continue to allow you to cut me. I will bleed when you're not looking, and walk tall as though nothing is wrong. Only when I'm alone will I bandage my broken heart and tend to my bruised soul. Only then._

_And I will keep our line firmly in place, because you leave me no choice._

_Gillian_

###############

Full of anger, Gillian ripped the paper as she sat at her desk, shredding it with her hands even as she felt it cut her fingers.

_How very fitting_, she thought. _A physical cut for an emotional one. We'll see which heals first._


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Set before Killer App

* * *

Of all the letters he's written and destroyed, this is the one that should have been destroyed. And yet it remains in existence, following him around in the back pocket of his jeans or inside pocket of his jacket, containing information that could shatter his life and leave the pieces scattered on the floor. This letter, above all the rest, could ruin him.

Sometimes he swears he literally feels it burning a hole in his pocket, most specifically when she's in the room, most intense when she's within arms reach. Sometimes, it feels as though there's a direct link to the heat in his pocket and the pull on his heart. In truth, there is. Why wouldn't there be?

This letter could change everything if he just left it out somewhere, or dropped in on the floor of her office as if it were an accident. This letter, containing only six words and having been read so many times that it's been taped over the folds, this is definitely the letter he should have destroyed.

But this morning, like every other, he opens the drawer of his nightstand, takes it out, and opens it.

_Dear Gillian,_

_I love you._

_Cal_

Somehow, having the confession down on paper makes him feel better. Even though no one else has seen it, he knows he's admitted it.

Carefully, he re-folds the letter and puts it in his back pocket, just like every other day.


End file.
